From Edinburgh to the centre of the world

The year 1880, as viewed in 1959

When I returned from hospital recently, it wasn't long before I was settling down to watch a movie. The only problem was that I wasn't sure which one to go for.

Here's the issue - the combination of pain, lack of sleep and various drugs meant I wasn't really in the best frame of mind to watch anything new. I really thought I ought to watch something that, firstly, didn't require too much brain power and, secondly, was something I was already familiar with. I figured this was the best way to go since it was pretty likely I was going to nod off in the middle of it.

So which of the old favourites to go for? Eventually I opted for the old Saturday afternoon favourite, JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH - that's the 1959 version starring James Mason as the miserable old scientist and Pat Boone (ask your dad) as his young colleague.

The story, for the two or three of you who are unfamiliar with the movie or the original Jules Verne book, is (in a nutshell) about a bunch of people who discover a route to the mysterious world that lies beneath the surface of our Earth. Bet that surprised you, eh?

The reasons for my love of this movie are many and varied. For one thing I've always loved such fantasy adventures about these mysterious lost worlds. I grew up watching the likes of Doug McClure duking it out with big fake dinosaurs and implausibly endowed cavewomen. In fact I was recently in fanboy heaven when I happened to meet Roger Dicken, who provided some of the effects for these films. He was very quick to point out however that the rubbish pterodactyl in THE LAND THAT TIME FORGOT was nothing to do with him.

Rrrrrraaaaaarrrrrr!

But back to the film at hand. This movie has everything you want in a film like this - large dinosaurs (avoiding the animatronic route, this movie instead goes for the other tradition of filming some lizards and employing some trick projection work), underground tunnels, danger at every turn, globe-spanning adventure, mysterious lost worlds (including the ruins of Atlantis), an evil nemesis looking to beat our intrepid crew to the centre of the world, predictable love story... it's all there.

The film also has a typical bunch of adventure archetypes too - the grumpy old scientist, the token woman, the rash young adventurer, the dim-witted muscle man (in this case he's not really dim, he just doesn't speak English), the evil arch-nemesis, and the slightly daft comic relief (a duck named Gertrude).

All in all it's just a perfect fantasy adventure movie, great fun for young kids and slightly older kids too (such as kids in their late 20s, for example).

There is another reason why my choice of movie was significant, though it certainly wasn't on my mind at the time (or at least not consciously anyway - subconsciously, who knows?). When I was younger I used to have a copy of this on VHS that I'd watch over and over again, but in particular it was always a favourite when I was off school sick. It was either this or I'd end up watching Richard & Judy, and thus be confronted by monsters of a very different kind. So, how appropriate that I should pick this one for viewing on my latest sickie.

So I'd lie there in front of the telly with my cup of tea, being transported to that strange new world just beneath our feet, marvelling at every monster, every jewel-encrusted cave, every bizarre new world they'd discover. It's a bit odd, really, because I don't like tea and have no idea why I would have been drinking the stuff. Maybe that's why I was sick to start with. Anyway, enough about tea. Moving on...

That was then; this is now. That worn out old VHS tape has given way to wondrous new technology and we can now watch the movie in all its digitally remastered widescreen glory thanks to the DVD revolution. Not only do we finally see the strange new worlds in all their visual splendour, the presentation finally does justice to Bernard Herrman's thrilling, otherworldly score for the movie.

Although most famous for his Hitchcock collaborations (a certain shower scene probably springs to mind), this has always been one of my favourite works (if not THE favourite) by Mr Herrman. I do own the soundtrack CD but I must confess a real fondness for the re-recording done by Decca in the 70s to show off their "Phase 4 Stereo" technology. Sorry, I'm waffling again.

There's one other reason why this film in particular, of all the lost world movies made over the years, captured my imagination. Our intrepid explorers begin their journey from nearby (to me) Edinburgh, and there's always been a real thrill seeing the familiar (to me at least) streets of Auld Reekie on screen as the starting point for one of my most beloved adventures. But this, in recent years, has thrown up a problem.

Of all the things that captured my imagination in this movie when I was young, most have dated and yet very few are a problem when suspending my disbelief. I have no problem believing the ludicrous notion of a world at the centre of the Earth; I can buy the idea of a team of scientists getting there with little equipment via some handy-sized tunnels; I still believe I'm watching them be attacked by giant dinosaurs despite the voice in the back of my head shouting "they're just lizards, you idiot"; I can even (just) buy into the notion of Pat Boone wandering through the underground tunnels playing his accordion without anyone twatting him.

Our heroes wandering the streets of Edinburgh though? Nope, I don't buy it.

Maybe it's because after spending so many years studying and working there I'm too familiar with the streets of Edinburgh; or maybe I'm just a cynic after all. But now, whenever I watch this movie, I can't help noticing that whenever we see the main cast anywhere in Edinburgh they're either in front of a fake backdrop, on a soundstage dressed up as 19th century Scotland, or else their faces aren't visible (suggesting a body double). The terrible revelation? After all these years, I have to accept that, actually, Pat Boone and James Mason never set foot in the country. Not for this movie, anyway. My childhood sense of wonder shattered!

Definitely Edinburgh. Definitely not James Mason.

But I forgive them. It's just too great a film not to. Like I said before, it's just a terrific, fun movie for folks of all ages - so go on, if you've never seen it, go and pick up a copy and marvel in child-like awe at adventure movies the way they used to be before CGI and toystore tie-ins. Or you could even keep it for the next time you're off work ill.

I wouldn't bother with a cup of tea though.

Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?

Classic 80s pop anthem "Together in Electric Dreams" featuring the Human League's Phil Oakey; that wonderful "dugga-dugga" sound on Donna Summer's "I Feel Love", which topped the British charts the day I was born; and "The Chase" from the film MIDNIGHT EXPRESS played at a loud volume in my friend's car (repeatedly).

That brief but quite impressive resume is a summary of all of Giorgio Moroder's achievements that I'm familiar with. With two of them being film related you may be expecting some kind of salute to the abilities of the electronic wizard himself but alas you'd be wrong.

Nope, I'm going talk about something else instead but I needed somewhere to start - for which reason I refer you to the last item on that list. I'm rather fond of that piece of music from Moroder's score to Alan Parker's Turkish-set thriller (and indeed the rest of Moroder's score) but I'd never actually seen the film. However, having been repeatedly reminded by a couple of colleagues of mine that it's a great film, I was finally forced to do something about the situation and I watched it last night.

Brief recap for those who haven't seen it - American man named Billy (Brad Davis) decides to smuggle hash out of Turkey, gets caught, and spends the rest of the film discovering what we already know - Turkish prisons are really nasty.

You'll note that I didn't say he was tricked into smuggling the drugs. Nor did I say that, as per some second-rate TV movie, he was smuggling it because he desperately needed the money for a lifesaving operation for a terminally ill relative. Nope, he just decides off his own back that he's going to try smuggling drugs out of Turkey. Duh.

And therein lies the big problem I have with the film. The man is trying to smuggle a couple of kilos of drugs. He's a criminal. Ergo, he should be in jail and therefore it's not too upsetting to me when that's exactly what happens.

He claims that he's not a pusher because he was "only" going to sell it to his friends; he claims that he's not a smuggler because he's "only" trying to smuggle two kilos. Dress it up any way you like, he's a drug smuggler.

Now I accept that part of this will be because I'm a square or whatever and don't do drugs, and don't appreciate people smuggling them in for anyone else either. But regardless of personal moral standards, smuggling drugs is illegal and this guy belongs in jail.

The fact that the film opens with one of those "based on a true story" tags that immediately make you doubt everything you're about to see and Parker's repeated attempts to portray the character of Billy as a sympathetic one means there's only one way the film's going to end, but along the way we're supposed to be outraged at the horrors of the Turkish jail.

Horrific it is but, with the odd exception, the majority of really nasty things actually happen to other people rather than Billy - his cellmates, some local kids, a cat - which really doesn't help make me feel he's as hard done by as we are supposed to think. In truth the most sorry I felt for anyone was for a guy named Rifki when Davis and cellmate John Hurt decide to humiliate him in an act of revenge. However, the fact that he's one of the "bad guys" suggests that either Parker's gone wrong somewhere or else I have.

It's not that it's a bad film - it's a reasonable thriller and there is some tension waiting to see exactly what is going to happen to Billy, but for me it was hampered by the aformentioned moral dilema. The opening sequence for example, in which Billy attempts to get his drugs past the officials at the airport, did have me on the edge of my seat - but only for a few minutes until suddenly I just thought wait a minute, he's trying to smuggle drugs, he deserves to be caught. And it's that which proves to be the stumbling block for me.

Or maybe the way I had the film built up beforehand just made me subconciously want to dislike it before I'd even seen it. I think in movie terms that's known as Waterworld Syndrome.

Whatever. It's still got great music.

The Freakpit World Cup Special!

NOW GUARANTEED 100% ROONEY-FREE!

It's World Cup time and if you live in the UK that usually only means one thing - tabloid media and second-rate TV pundits drowning us all in a tidal wave of xenophobic comments about other nations, usually the Germans. This year we have the added bonus of some English ned having a sore foot which apparently requires painkillers, rest and at least six hours of news coverage a day.

Not so at the Freakpit, where obviously it's my duty to discuss movies. So it's the perfect time to celebrate all the wonderful football-related movies that have been made over the years.

Or it would be if they weren't all rubbish. Honestly, how hard can it be to make a decent movie about football (or "soccer" if you're from America)? And if it's that difficult, why do people keep trying?

Try as I might, I eventually had to concede that the only ones worth covering involve me once more dipping into my beloved documentaries, and I've picked a couple of films that showcase the beautiful game perfectly - one focuses on the corporate takeover of football by millionaire businessmen, and the notion of throwing money at the game in the hopes of providing the next big thing. The other demonstrates how football can bring people together away from big businesses and sponsorship deals, and how the love of the game can bring people together from all walks of life.

ONCE IN A LIFETIME is the story of the emergence of football (soccer) as a popular sport in the USA, focusing on the New York Cosmos. Bought by one of the head honchos at Warner, the Cosmos started out as an amateur outfit but were transformed when millions of dollars were pumped in to bring in some of the world's greatest footballers including Carlos Alberto, Chinaglia, the Kaiser and the greatest ever, Pele.

What follows seems at first to be a triumphant story of how a few men shaped soccer in the USA, but it soon turns sour as egos clash, the much sought after TV deal does not have the desired effect and the excesses of all involved in the rise of the sport eventually drive it straight back into the dust. Soccer has finally recovered and is picking up in popularity in America once more, but it's difficult to see it ever reaching these dizzy heights again.

And maybe that's a good thing. What started as a success story is revealed by the documentary (with the aid of interviews from all the major names except Pele himself) to end in disaster - but what is particularly striking about it is just how close it is to the football of today, where obscene amounts of money are ploughed into the game by the teams at the top just to secure the services of the biggest names. The Cosmos, and America's first major soccer league, may well have ended in disaster - but maybe they were just ahead of its time.

It's a world apart from Dutch documentary THE OTHER FINAL. When the unthinkable happened and his team (the Netherlands) failed to qualify for the 2002 World Cup, Matthijs de Jongh became fascinated with losing and the FIFA world rankings, eventually leading to a wonderful idea. On the day of the 2002 World Cup Final, there would be another, alternate final played between the two worst teams in the world. Ranked 202 and 203 by FIFA, Montserrat and Bhutan were to meet in a one-off game that would showcase everything good about football.

And it did. The film crew follows both teams and the event organisers along the way, as both countries find out who the other country is and begin preparations - with a few hiccups along the way.

What eventually unfolds is a story of two small nations coming together through their united love of football, playing a special game that celebrates football and the coming together of world cultures in a unique spectacle miles away from the excesses of the real World Cup (fittingly, the major companies approached for sponsorship were not interested - give yourselves a shake, Nike and Adidas). Whether you're a football fan or not you can't help but have a grin on your face at the end of this feelfood tale.

Right, I'm off to watch more football - when I manage to squeeze in a few more movies I'll let you know.