DEATH SENTENCE (1969)

DEATH SENTENCE
aka SENTENZA DI MORTE
Koch Media (Germany)
Region 0 PAL, 2.35:1 (16*9)
Running time 90m

I know, you thought I'd finished my spaghetti western round-up. So did I. Then I found a few scribbled notes about DEATH SENTENCE, so what the hell.

In many ways, this one isn't a typical spaghetti western. The director, Mario Lanfranchi, is not the most well-known among directors of the genre, and it's not that surprising based on this effort. That isn't to say the film isn't any good because it's actually a really decent entry in the genre - it's just a little different and possibly not suited to the tastes of people who expect exactly the same thing from every spaghetti western they watch.

For one thing, it has a far more theatrical feel. There's not as much action as you'd expect, instead offering up a lot of talking. This approach to character building is admirable, though many a fan might find themselves wondering when the talking is going to stop and the shooting is going to start. This is a spaghetti western after all.

The music, by Gianni Ferrio, is not your typical spaghetti western soundtrack fodder either. While this is a good thing in terms of the movie's score, it's not so good when listening to the main song - I'll be honest, the song is simply rubbish. Shame really, as most spaghetti theme songs (one of the few spaghetti western cliches that wasn't started by Sergio Leone's movies) tend to be reasonably easy on the ear.

The plot is one of the more standard aspects, offering up the usual helping of greed and revenge. Where it does differ however is in the structure. We are introduced to the film with the hero of the piece getting one over on one of the villains, then flashes back to show his quest to take out one killer at a time. This four-part quest is a little like the one employed by Jodorowski in EL TOPO, except this time the story isn't as barmy and actually makes a bit of sense. Like Jodorowski's film, DEATH SENTENCE also benefits from some wonderful desert photography too.

The cast of the film is mostly pretty average (the lead is Robin Clarke, who manages but isn't exactly comparable to Eastwood, Nero, Van Cleef, etc., and the female characters feel like they've been forced into the film for sex appeal and nothing else) with a couple of exceptions. Cult cinema veteran Richard Conte makes an appearance, which is always welcome, but the best of the film belongs to Tomas Milian.

Cuban actor Milian always steals the show no matter which of the countless Eurocult movies of his you happen to be watching. In DEATH SENTENCE he's sporting a garish albino look (see above) that looks totally out of place on him yet helps in making this villain one of his more memorable characters. It also helps that he's addicted to blondes and gold, an addiction he registers with much hamming and scenery-chewing. With an over the top performance like that you just wonder where he can possible go without it ending in an anticlimax, but I'm happy to report he manages it. His death scene (don't tell me I've spoiled it, if you like spaghetti westerns, you knew he'd die) is possibly the highlight of the film, as he throws himself about in the most contorted spasms, in the end making you wonder if he's dying or breakdancing.

It's worth watching for Milian alone, but if you're after a slightly unusual spaghetti western there's probably much for you to enjoy.

Extras on the disc include trailers, a making-of featuretter (conversation with the director in English) and an audio commentary with the director (again, he speaks in English).

A STRANGER IN TOWN (1967) / THE STRANGER RETURNS (1967)

A STRANGER IN TOWN / THE STRANGER RETURNS
aka UN DOLLARO FRA I DENTI / UN UOMO, UN CAVALLO, UNA PISTOLA
Alfa Digital (USA)
Region 0 NTSC, 1.85:1 (16*9)
Running time 86m/95m

This double bill of the first two (of three) Stranger movies makes no effort to disguise the Leone influence, borrowing heavily of both the characters and situations from the maestro's Dollars trilogy.

The first film (also known as A DOLLAR IN THE TEETH) sees the Stranger (Tony Anthony) wander into town and assist a bunch of no-good Mexicans steal a large sum of gold from the US Army before attempting to turn the tables on them and steal it back for himself. So far, so spaghetti western. I need not reveal much more of the plot as anyone with a passing familiarity with the genre will be able to write the script themselves from here. The unfortunate problem is that you get the feeling that's exactly what director Luigi Vanzi did, putting little thought into anything that might distinguish it from the rest of the bunch.

Tony Anthony doesn't work in the pseudo-Clint role. He doesn't have the presence of an Eastwood, Nero, Van Cleef or any of the other familiar Stranger-type characters who came before him or followed afterwards and just doesn't seem particularly menacing, no matter how much the script might try to make him so. Indeed, he is too often upstaged by lead villain and spaghetti regular Frank Wolff, who barely pauses for breath in between the chunks of scenery that he chews.

The sequel is equally derivative but still an enjoyable romp involving more greed, treachery and gunplay, this time revolving around yet another haul of gold. One of the few moments of genius in the story (which incidentally was partly the work of the returning Anthony) concerns the hidden whereabouts of the gold, which I won't spoil here for anyone who hasn't seen the movie. It's a mindblowing twist, albeit one that's slightly ridiculous in the cold light of day.

Anthony is again slightly lacking in the leading man department and certainly doesn't make himself look any harder this time around by wearing a lovely pink shirt. I'm not one for making judgements based on a man's dress sense, and I'm not casting aspersions on men who like to wear pink - but come on, he's supposed to be a gunslinger. Nonetheless, nobody lives long enough to question his dress sense if he has his hand on his pistol.

The film boasts a good score by Stelvio Cipriani which is one of the most blatant of Morricone rip-offs (particularly the opening title). That in itself wouldn't be so bad (it's certainly not unexpected of the genre) but the score is woefully overused, playing through scenes where silence would have said so much more.

Alfa's disc is not great. The prints used are badly beaten up, albeit anamorphically enhanced, showing a fair amount of damage and suffering from some pretty faded colours. The audio quality is clear but suffers from a tinny distortion that makes it all too clear that substandard material has been transferred to a digital format, a fault that is compounded by the pixellated appearance of some of the scenes. It almost looks like it's been taken from a video source rather than a print or negative. Overall the disc is watchable but it appears a definitive release of these films yet eludes us - it certainly pales in comparison to some of Alfa's other good, though flawed, restorations such as crime thriller VIOLENT NAPLES or Lucio Fulci's SEVEN NOTES IN BLACK.

Extras are limited to a couple of trailers.

That's the end of my brief spaghetti western DVD round up, although they will make a return since I've got piles of them sitting here. Normal service, for whatever that means in the context of this blog, will be resumed shortly.

ONE AFTER THE OTHER (1968)

ONE AFTER THE OTHER
aka UNO DOPO L'ALTRO
SPO Entertainment (Japan)
R2 NTSC; LB(2.35:1)
Running Time 99m

Richard Harrison strolls into town following a bank robbery and promptly sets off on a bloody trail of revenge for a man who was killed in the raid. It's a staple plot of the spaghetti western but is considerably boosted by endless twists and turns in a story that is positively bursting with double-crossing treachery from start to finish.

This is one of Harrison's better spaghetti performances and in this particular role he certainly makes for a rather atypical gunslinger. Immaculately dressed, clean shaven and bespectacled, there is no danger of him being mistaken for any of the string of Eastwood/Nero clones that populate so many other spaghettis. His appearance should not deceive however - he can certainly handle himself in a fight, particularly when guns are drawn.

A highlight of the movie is the finale on the deserted main street, one of the better examples of a typical spaghetti showdown which kicks off with the best use of dynamite I've ever seen in one of these films. Best of all, even when the gunfight is over there remains one final bout of double-crossing that comes as a genuine surprise and a memorable ending to an enjoyable spaghetti western.

The picture is non-anamorphic and is typical of many of the Japanese discs, particularly early SPO efforts, in having visible (if not intrusive) print damage and, in some places, oversaturated colour (with bright colours particularly bleeding in some places). It's nevertheless watchable and holds its own even while zoomed in on a widescreen monitor.

Extras include a poster gallery and a couple of trailers (anamorphic!) for two unrelated spaghettis starring Giuliano Gemma (ONE SILVER DOLLAR and ADIOS GRINGO).

Tomorrow: A STRANGER IN TOWN / THE STRANGER RETURNS

PISTOLEROS (1967)

PISTOLEROS
aka BALLAD OF A GUNMAN
Wild East Productions (USA)
Region 0 NTSC, 2.35:1 (16*9)
Running time 95m

This movie wears its inspiration firmly on its sleeve. It boasts a score derivative of Morricone's famous spaghetti style (which is not to put down the contribution of composer Marcello Giombini - the score is familiar but it's also very good); the main titles feature an animation (apparently rotoscoped) of a man on horseback not unlike the animated titles of Leone's earlier westerns; and most shamelessly of all, it even opens on a scene of a solitary figure confronting a bunch of bandits while explaining to them that his mule doesn't like violence!

The story, and you may have heard this one before in a multitude of other spaghettis, concerns a young cocky bounty killer (who, clean-shaven and top-to-tail outfitted in black leather, looks like a cross between a gunfighter and a reject from the Village People) who forms a reluctant partnership (after some initial squabbling, of course) with a wiser, older gunfighter (Angelo Infanti) in order to pursue a vicious Mexican bandit and his gang. They both have a desire to get their hands on the man, but for different reasons, which will see them come into conflict with each other as well as their prey. The stars of the film, Angelo Infantini and Yugoslavian actor Anthony Ghidra, are far from household names but hold their own when measured against the other more well-known faces in the spaghetti genre.

I'll say this for PISTOLEROS - it certainly doesn't skimp on the action. There are shootouts aplenty and while they might not be as stylised as Leone's, director Alfio Caltabiano makes up for it in sheer quantity. As far as action goes however, the movie's main strengths lie in plain old fashioned fisticuffs. A highlight sees a lengthy saloon brawl about halfway through the film that is remarkably well-choreographed compared to many other spaghetti western bar-room fights that last only a fraction of the time.

The audio on the whole is very good but suffers very occasionally from some brief dropouts where a couple of lines of dialogue are missing. The flaws are noticable but not significant. Similarly the picture has visible, though not intrusive, print damage in places and suffers a few frame skips here and there but again the damage is not significant. The anamorphic picture is otherwise excellent, especially given the usual spaghetti western standards, and does full justice to the sweeping vistas that dominate Guglielmo Mancori's stunning widescreen photography.

Wild East Productions are fast becoming the spaghetti western fan's best friend and I encourage anyone with a love of the genre to encourage them by buying this excellent disc.

Extras include a picture gallery and trailers for other Anthony Ghidra westerns.

Tomorrow: ONE AFTER THE OTHER

APOCALYPSE JOE (1971)

After Friday's effort revealed to me that recycling stuff I've posted on other internet sites is a great way to make it look like I'm putting effort into my blog, I dug out a few DVD reviews that I originally wrote for another site. They're all spaghetti westerns, so if you're a fan be sure to check back daily for the next one. If you're not, why not check back anyway, just in case I can convert you to the cause?

Anyway, on to the first review. The DVDs were all from various sources so I've listed the technical details too.

APOCALYPSE JOE

aka A MAN CALLED JOE CLIFFORD

X-Rated Kult Media (Germany)

R2 PAL; 2.35:1 (16*9)

Running Time 91m

You could be forgiven for thinking you're going to get something a little different with this one, given that it opens with spaghetti regular Anthony Steffen reciting the famous "to be or not to be" soliloquy from Hamlet (this film borrows from the play in terms of it story too, though not to the extent of the previously-reviewed-here JOHNNY HAMLET). The illusion is soon shattered however when, as soon as the titles finish, some bad (presumed) villains are dispatched, all thoughts of that Danish bloke are vanquished and we're back in formulaic spaghetti western territory.

Of course, if formulaic films are a problem for you then you've probably no interest in this particular genre of films anyway, given that there are only two or three different stories spread between about five hundred films. In this case it's the old favourite - Steffen arrives in town to collect a goldmine he's inherited from a dead uncle, only to discover that his uncle was murdered and his mine (along with the rest of the town) has been overrun by some nasty characters. And as we all know, it wouldn't be a spaghetti western if our mysterious stranger (and budding thespian) didn't set about trying to get his revenge and clean up the town.

The conclusion of the film may be as predictable as the next oater, but everyone knows the fun is in getting there. In that respect APOCALYPSE JOE delivers. Of particular delight is the last half hour of the film, which is a good solid gunfighting finale (after Steffen's had a chance to show off his Shakespeare skills again) packed with thrilling action and increasingly inventive ways of killing people.

Steffen seems to be enjoying himself more than usual in this film, perhaps as a result of getting to stretch his acting muscles a bit further (or at least as far as they can be stretched while playing the usual rugged spaghetti gunfighter), and in Eduardo Fajardo he has a perfectly over-the-top nemesis. The two previously fought each other in A COFFIN FOR THE SHERIFF but it wasn't as wildly enjoyable as this effort.

Now to the disc itself (released under its German title SPIEL DEIN SPIEL UND TOTE, JOE). X-Rated have done a great job on this one (and they celebrate that by releasing the DVD with no less than 3 different cover variants) in terms of both audio and video.

The audio is clean and crisp, and really highlights Bruno Nicolai's score. The one-time Morricone collaborator turns in a terrific effort that is simultaneously typical of the genre and yet a bit more energetic thanks largely to the emphasis on electric guitar. One thing worth noting about the audio - on the English version, we hear only "To be or not to be" muttered by Steffen before he is eclipsed by the title music; on the German audio track however we can still hear him delivering the full speech (albeit with a slightly more teutonic slant than the bard intended) while the music plays.

The video has a minor flaw in that some scenes seem a little jittery. Admittedly it could be that the cameraman had maybe had a little too much coffee but to me it looks more like a small flaw with the print. It's a shame to pick up on this minor quibble because otherwise the anamorphic picture is almost immaculate.

One final note on the authoring of the disc - if you select from the main menu to watch the film in English you get a rather annoying message popping up in the lower black bar throughout the film telling you that the film is not for sale outside of Germany. I found on my DVD player that I could get round this by choosing to watch it in German and then switching the audio to English as soon as the film starts.

The extras consist of various alternate opening credits, an Italian trailer, a trailer for MANNAJA (all anamorphic) and the main title theme of the movie should you wish to listen to it... and of course it's all wrapped up in one of those gorgeous clamshell cases that X-Rated do so well.

It's a terrific spaghetti western and X-Rated have done an equally terrific job of presenting it. Fans of the genre should seek this one out.

Tomorrow: PISTOLEROS!

One man's terrorist is another man's ninja lesbian

Okay, neither of them are KILLPOINT, but before I disappear off for the weekend (nothing film-related this time) I thought I'd leave you with my brief thoughts on another couple of late nighters that I caught on the same channel. Even more brief than you might think, given that most of the following was just recycled from stuff I wrote elsewhere. What can I say, I'm lazy. Anyway, on to the movies. Gritty political thriller and dodgy 80s smut, what more can you ask for?

THE INFORMANT (1997)

In what must be one of the most ridiculously shameful marketing ploys ever, one of the posters for this film featured top billing for Timothy Dalton, who also appeared as the main character on the poster, in the usual James Bond gun-in-front-of-chest pose. Seriously, go and look it up on the IMDb, it's ridiculous. It does both Dalton and the film a disservice, as it's actually a pretty decent thriller that tries to show the human side of the violence in Northern Ireland without coming down too hard on either side. Granted, it's probably not quite so powerful now as it once was, in light of recent developments, but it's still worth seeking out.

It's actually primarily about an IRA soldier (Anthony Brophy) who turns informant to save (he thinks) his wife and child, only to open up a whole can of worms that sees him in more trouble than ever. Brophy's performance is good; Dalton is actually just a supporting character, but is still a delight as the scenery-chewing (though sometimes a little OTT) loyalist policeman trying to protect him (while clearly hating him); Cary Elwes is also good as the naive British squaddie who sympathises with the informant as a person, if not with his cause. The majority of the cast is good in fact, and Maria Lennon is superb as Brophy's wife, though she has pretty much the only notable female role. SPACE PRECINCT's Simone Bendix turns up briefly, showing a lot more than she did in that series, but it's not her acting ability I'm talking about.

And on that subject...

CHRISTINA (1984)

This Harry Alan Towers produced softcore effort from the 80s is another film that is so laughably bad it's a riot. Jewel Shepard is the title character, a jet setter who travels the world living it up but getting mixed up with terrorists and kidnappers (nearly all of whom she has sex with, obviously).

The stage is set early on when a terrorist (from the "10th of November" group - a terrorist organisation that would seem to consist largely of martial arts practising lesbians) attempts to kidnap Christina from a luxury mansion where she's enjoying dinner. The plan is foiled, so the folks decide the best plan is to tie up the intruder then get back to dinner. Hmmm. Not surprisingly she escapes. It's at this point that we are treated to one of the film's first classic lines of dialogue:

"I don't know how she got in... but no one else will!"

Forgive me if I don't find the latter half of the sentence particularly reassuring in light of the first half.

Granted, a lot of the awful dialogue will be a result of the equally awful dubbing, but there's no disguising that this film is a pile of mince. Bad acting; bad dubbing; obligatory saxaphone; martial arts contests that seem to have the main objective of ripping off each other's clothes; a string of bizarre fantasy dream sequences that would undoubtedly increase the sales of toy cars; It's entirely terrible. It's not even like it's shot particularly well - despite some nice locations, the film never looks particularly glamorous, and it seems like just having everything in soft focus is the director's sole instruction to his crew.

Given that the film seems to be desperately wanting to be the new EMANUELLE, I got a bit worried when Christina started staring lovingly at her horse (I started having EMANUELLE IN AMERICA flashbacks) - however it's at this point that some motorbikes show up to start chasing her around. I only mention this because at one point an elaborate stunt involving a motorbike jumping over the horse just as Christina jumps off doesn't look like it goes entirely to plan and looks very much to me like the horse actually gets hit in the head. BBFC-approved this is not. (Either that or the bike comes extremely close)

The plus side however is that this scene gave rise to one of the other quality lines of the film:"I've an urge to go out riding... a horse, I mean!" (My other fave quote would have to be Christina's summary of the love-hate relationship with her lesbian captor - "I either needed her desperately... or desperately needed to kick the hell out of her!")

Aside from the quality dialogue, the bad acting and dubbing does offer up one other advantage in that the lead female of this group of lesbo-criminals ends up coming across like a female Udo Kier, and that can never be a bad thing.

That's all for now.

EIFF 2007 Preview

Long time readers will be aware that the Edinburgh International Film Festival is the main event on my festival calendar. Since the programme for this year's festival (15-26 August) was launched today, it's only right that I pick out a few items of interest. Check out a copy of the programme for the full list.

The opening night film is David Mackenzie's adaptation of HALLAM FOE, starring Jamie Bell and Sophia Myles. It was shot on location in Scotland, with Edinburgh featuring prominently, and that's why I'm mentioning it. I'm a patriotic sort of film geek, so I like to support Scottish cinema where possible. I believe the film will be hitting UK cinemas shortly after the festival.

The retrospective this year (noon screenings at Filmhouse have become tradition) is devoted to screenwriter Anita Loos. Despite her work on some of the landmarks of early film (most notably DW Griffith's INTOLERANCE) I must confess the only one of the films I've seen before is George Cukor's excellent melodrama THE WOMEN, which is always worth seeing. My ignorance of the lady's work will be sorted soon.

If your stamina is up to it (and it is split into seven screenings), there's a special chance (two in fact) to see the newly remastered print of Rainer Fassbinder's BERLIN ALEXANDERPLATZ. It's only fifteen and a half hours long.

CONTROL is an acclaimed biopic of Joy Division's Ian Curtis, fresh from Cannes; DAY WATCH is the sequel to the spectacular, if slightly muddled, Russian sci-fi epic NIGHT WATCH; Quentin Tarantino's DEATH PROOF receives its UK premiere, small consolation for robbing us of the chance to see it in its original GRINDHOUSE incarnation but still sure to be one of the festival's fastest sell-outs; there are three classic Shakespeare adaptations by Olivier screening in new prints.

I'M A CYBORG BUT THAT'S OKAY is the latest from Park Chan-wook, the director of SYMPATHY FOR MR VENGEANCE, OLD BOY and LADY VENGEANCE, so expect much insanity; IN THE SHADOW OF THE MOON is a documentary about the Apollo missions that I really wanted to see when I went to Toronto's Hotdocs festival this year, but the screenings didn't suit my timetable; legendary sleaze merchant John Waters will be appearing to promote THIS FILTHY WORLD, a film about him rather than being one of his films; LYNCH was filmed as David Lynch worked on INLAND EMPIRE.

MANUFACTURING DISSENT was a film I saw at Hotdocs which shows Michael Moore to be a tad dishonest in his films - more than expected, even; Irish musical romance ONCE received the audience award at Sundance, sold out very quickly at Dublin's film fest and has been doing respectable business on a limited theatrical release in the USA; fellow Irish film SHROOMS features in the late night category, along with TEETH, JOSHUA, DAY WATCH and WEIRDSVILLE; STARDUST, adapted from Neil Gaiman's fantasy tale with a cast of Claire Danes, Robert De Niro, Ian McKellen and more should be interesting and hopefully better than MIRRORMASK proved to be.

Since I'm mentioning Scottish film where possible, there's MY LIFE AS A BUS STOP (a low budget film about low budget filmmakers, apparently) and SEACHD - THE INACCESSIBLE PINNACLE, apparently the "first Scottish Gaelic film to score mainstream distribution".

Appearing in person this year are, among others, actors Bob Hoskins, Chris Cooper, Julie Delpy, Samantha Morton, Stellan Skaarsgard and Tilda Swinton; some of the other interesting names appearing include Irvine Welsh, Mike Leigh, Paul Laverty and Stephen Frears.

See lots, have fun.

Gobsmacking Cinema: KILLPOINT (1984)

FONGSPLOITATION LIVES!

I'd like to take this opportunity to offer a little heads-up for any of you in the UK with access to the digital TV channels Movies4men and Movies4men2. They show a lot of forgotten movies (some criminally so, but most justifiably so) and more often than not the late night schedules are filled with the kind of tosh that Channel 5 used to fill up their weekend late night schedules with before they suddenly tried to become respectable. The upshot however is that there are some real gems of cult cinema lurking in the schedules during the wee hours. From spaghetti westerns such as DJANGO, CALIFORNIA and VENGEANCE to classic Jess Franco Eurosleaze (VENUS IN FURS, 99 WOMEN) there's some real treasure there.

Obviously, being me, I want to talk about one of the trashiest of the trash though - a film so bad that the sole reason for it featuring in my semi-regular Gobsmacking Cinema series is its sheer lovable crapness. It's an 80s action flick which could loosely be described as a martial arts cop thriller. However, it could more accurately be described as a jaw-droppingly bad cauldron of insanity and violence. And poodles.

The film in question is the classic - okay, I lied, it's not classic at all, at least not in the sense of the word that normal people use - KILLPOINT.

Where does one begin to describe a vision of brilliance such as KILLPOINT? How about the cast...

KILLPOINT features Cameron Mitchell, star of many a dreadful-but-lovable exploitation movie, not least of which was the original version of THE TOOLBOX MURDERS (the old video nasty, not the awful Tobe Hooper remake), who portrays a crimeboss who is violently insane, mistreats women constantly and... has a pet poodle.

He's joined by heroic cop Richard Roundtree, who of course is famous for being a guest star in the TV series THE FRESH PRINCE OF... nah, just kidding, he was of course SHAFT. I mean the original SHAFT, not the pointless remake one. That one was some Jedi guy who talks about what French people call burgers, or something.

The star of the film however, and God alone knows why, is Leo Fong, a cop who never seems to crack a smile. This could be a result of the rape and murder of his wife (an ultimately irrelevant plot point that is delivered in a hilariously bad piece of dialogue between two non-actors also playing cops), or it might just be because he's such a terrible actor.

Fong can't act; he's got a really bad hairstyle; he just seems to mumble all the time; he's clearly too old to be the martial arts star that the movie needs, and in fact his only qualification for indulging in martial arts is the fact that he appears to be from the right ethnic background. Seriously, when he starts kicking ass, it's with all the balletic grace of your grandad dancing to Carl Douglas records after one two many glasses of port.

Fong and Roundtree are paired up to solve the problem of a group of criminals (working for Mitchell, of course) who are committing robberies but with a new twist. They don't want any witnesses but rather than wear masks, they choose the more interesting approach of shooting everyone in the building, leading to some wacky action sequences in which they shoot up the entire clientele of a Chinese restaurant and then repeat the stunt in a supermarket.

Actually, Fong and Roundtree may very well be partners in theory, but in truth they appear on screen together very rarely. Once, if I remember correctly. Still, that doesn't matter so much because you have other wonderful partnerships anyway, such as Mitchell's teaming up with Stack Pierce as the psychotic criminal Nighthawk, who seems hellbent on shooting pretty much anyone he meets. You've also got the two cops I mentioned earlier who spend most of the film talking to each other on the phone. Clearly not professional actors, one of them looks like he's never seen a movie camera before ("rabbit in headlights" springs to mind) while the other talks in a strangley muffled way that suggests he's had his jaw wired shut.

But there's so much more to enjoy than just bad acting. There's badly executed martial arts; mindnumbingly unconvincing stunts; the finest array of moustaches outside of the pantheons of 70s soft rock; there's the wonderful habit people have of flying up in the air in spectacular fashion when they get shot; there's the dancing of the least erotic strippers ever; there's the synthesiser score that sounds cheap even for the 80s; there's even, when Fong readies himself to make his final stand against the bad guys, a cop-in-training montage! Yep, that's right, TEAM AMERICA fans, a proper, honest-to-goodness, 80s-action-movie-cliche training montage!

It's difficult to emphasise how simultaneously terrible and magnificent this film is. It should be required viewing for anyone who ever wants to study film, if for no other reason than to provide a checklist of everything you shouldn't do, and yet it's just so much damn fun!

The best news of all? Fong and Mitchell also starred together in another 80s film (which I'm sure is just as much of a turkey as this one) entitled LOW BLOW. Joy of joys, it's also been aired on TV thanks to those good M4M folks so expect an appraisal of that one at some time in the near future too.

In the meantime, I believe this film turned up on a budget DVD somewhere so either pick it up or else keep checking the M4M listing for the next showing (it seems to be on every week). You will/won't regret it.

P.S. I should point out that I didn't come up with the name "fongsploitation". It was the work of Marty McKee, who writes the rather good Johnny LaRue's Crane Shot blog, which I urge you to check out, particularly as he's currently working his way through the wonderful FRIDAY THE 13TH series of films. I've always wanted to do a FRIDAY 13TH marathon here, but I'm too lazy.

HOSTEL PART II... it's not very good

First of all let me apologise if, rather than reading this on the main blog, you're reading it via the site feed. I've been updating labels on old posts (in order to be able to have similarly-themed posts easily available) and thus any old post that I update appears in the feed whenever it refreshes. Apologies - it'll keep doing that until I'm finished, so sorry for all the old posts that are going to keep reappearing. If you've no idea what a site feed is or what I'm talking about, just ignore me, the blog is still the same.

So I finally got round to seeing HOSTEL PART II a few nights ago. Oh dear. I'm beginning to wonder if this whole "torture" fad is actually a reference to the people in the films or the poor sods who pay their money to sit through them.

I was assured by the young lady who sold me the ticket that it had scared her something awful. I am doing my best not to sound really patronising or up my own ass, but honestly, if this is something that can genuinely be called scary by even the most casual of viewer, then the quicker this subgenre of horror dies, the better.

It's not scary. It's not even close to being scary. It falls into the class of horror that seeks to provoke a reaction by revulsion and disgust, not by generating scares. Scary films? BLACK CHRISTMAS, THE INNOCENTS, CARRIE - they're all films that generated scares with the slightest of touches, not loud noises and the removal of body parts. And in case you think I'm just railing against modern horror in general, I'm not - I'd also point to that moment in the original Asian version of RING (you know the bit I'm talking about - with the telly) as being something that is genuinely scary in a creepy kind of way.

HOSTEL II on the other hand is just a mess, with no inkling about horror at all. Director Eli Roth is too keen to prove his love of 70s horror that he forgets that even in some of the most banal of video nasties there was still a story, some interesting characters, something to make it work. Roth just thinks that gore and tits will be enough and to be honest it's not like he even delivers much of that.

Sure, there are some graphic scenes, but not as graphic as you might think given that a lot of it happens off screen. Then there's the fact that it's all chucked in amid snippets of half-story, a dull retread of the original movie that is populated by two dimensional stereotype characters, characters that Roth attempts to make less stereotypical by having them all suddenly change personality at the drop of the hat. Ooooh, how unexpected! Except when I say "unexpected" what I really mean is "utterly pish".

One of the highlights of the film, featuring a joke that about 0.5% of the audience will understand, is when CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST director Ruggero Deodato pops up in a cameo as a cannibal - but as amusing as that scene was to me, it also highlights another of the flaws in Roth's constant "homage" to 70s horror (in CABIN FEVER, he lifted a significant portion of the soundtrack from LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT... subtle). If you're going to keep throwing in people like this (Eurocult icons Edwige Fenech and Luc Merenda also pop up) it can only have two outcomes. Either the audience has no idea who they are, in which case it's pointless, or else the viewer knows exactly who they are and are only reminded how much better the films of these guys were compared with the bobbins that's on screen at the moment.

Think HOSTEL II is scary? Watch one of the other films I just mentioned. Think it's gory? Watch an uncut version of CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST or CANNIBAL FEROX and prepare to vomit. But just don't, whatever you do, go and pay your money to see this. If you ignore it, sooner or later this little area of horror will die off and the next big thing in horror will arrive sooner. Hopefully it'll show a bit more imagination than this tosh.

VHS Lives! CHE!

Ah, look at that picture, doesn't it just make you misty? Well, okay, it also looks a bit misty itself, but it didn't look that blurred on my camera. Honest. Anyway, these are the five tapes I've been using to relive the VHS glory days with you this week, with today's oddity at the front. And yes, I realise I forgot to post it yesterday. Again. Sorry.

This last film (for the moment) in my VHS series is the one film out of all of them that I actually went out of my way to track down, due to its almost legendary status. In fact, the tape I eventually managed to get my hands on is an old pre-cert copy from 25 years ago, which cost me about... well, more than I should have paid for it anyway but what's eBay for if not for wasting money on rubbish. (For those of you who don't know about "pre-certs" and such things, that means it predates the Video Recording Act 1984, after which all videos had to carry a BBFC certificate)

Imagine if you will, a film with the following talent involved. It was directed in 1969 by Richard Fleischer. It was co-written by Michael Wilson. It had music by Lalo Schifrin. It co-starred Omar Sharif and Jack Palance. Sounds quite promising, doesn't it?

Well let's not forget that none of the above were infallible. Let's now say that it starred Omar Sharif and Jack Palance... as Che Guevara and Fidel Castro. That's right, Jack Palance as Fidel Castro. I am not making this up.

This bio-pic of Guevara tends to be talked about more than seen - it's rarely on TV (I've certainly never seen it aired) and it remains unavailable on DVD, and probably will be for the foreseeable future. It's become almost mythical and, to be totally honest, it's probably better that it stays that way.

For you see, it's a pretty bad film. And yet, it's not quite so bad that it's good. It's just bad. It begins with Che's death in Bolivia at the hands of the US government, then goes back and examines his time with Castro and his quest to free South Americans that eventually ended up with the aforementioned assassination.

This scattershot approach would seem to lend itself to covering a lot of territory but in truth it covers very little but seems to take an age to do so. Indeed, the box for my VHS release states 113 minutes in length, yet it only lasts for 93 minutes. I can only assume the extra 20 minutes is a result of the fact that it feels that long.

Sharif is neither bad nor good in the role and in the end, despite small appearances by the likes of Woody Strode and Sid Haig or the strange switch to documentary-style interviews, the only real highlight is provided by Palance.

Every time Palance is on screen, he chews up the scenery, spits it out, then chews it up again - in other words, it's a hammy performance worthy of Palance at his enjoyable best. His Castro comes off as a mixture of the real Castro and the Castro you'd expect if he was being played by an escaped lunatic. It's ironic that during the film it's supposed to be Che that has the health problems and yet it's Palance who throws his arms around and launches into crazed spasms that suggest it's really he who is having a fit.

All in all, the film is not good enough to recommend for any reason but not as bad as legend would suggest. It's certainly a curiosity though, and one that I advise you to keep an eye out for in the TV listings and second hand shops - because it really doesn't look like Fox will be dusting it down for a DVD release any time soon.

VHS Lives! ONE ON TOP OF THE OTHER (1969)

Today's VHS release may, I suspect, be a bootleg. Please don't call the police, I didn't know at the time. Okay, I might have suspected, but come on, I really wanted to see it. The tape just has a plain white label with ONE ON TOP OF THE OTHER IN ENGLISH printed on it, while the box looks like a colour copy of a rental release. If it's an official release, it's not a very impressive one.

But on to the film. If you read the previous entries in this VHS Lives series, you'll know that I was promising another Marisa Mell appearance (that's her above). This is it. Once again there's sleaze galore but in a surprisingly classy cult movie that marked the beginning of a sustained period of quality movies by legendary Italian cult cinema maestro Lucio Fulci.

Although Fulci is most famous for his gore films, such as ZOMBIE FLESH EATERS, THE BEYOND and HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY, this one is more of a Hitchcock-style thriller. In fact, if there's one film it owes a real debt to, it would be VERTIGO. That's not to say that this is in the same league as Hitch - it isn't - but it is a highly competent and taut thriller that proves what all of his fans (including me) always knew. Fulci was more than just a cheap hack with a gore fetish.

That's not to say that it's kiddy-friendly by any means. Aside from the storyline being rather complex - Jean Sorel is the young man who becomes involved with a stripper (Mell) who resembles his dead wife - there are a lot of, er, "adult situations" and the goremeister does at least manage to get one decomposing corpse in. Sleazy women, rotting bodies... actually, maybe it's a more typical Fulci movie than I thought.

To say much more would be to risk spoiling it for you. Suffice to say it's a tightly-directed thriller with plenty of twists, including a great unexpected ending, and also happens to boast a rather wonderful swinging score by Riz Ortolani, the Italian composer responsible for setting MONDO CANE and CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST to music.

The film has had a tricky history due to censorship and alternate cuts floating around over the years and so it's hard to say which version is definitive, if any. The good news however, especially for folks wishing to replace their VHS copies, is that Severin Films in the USA have just released a 2-disc region-free DVD version (the second disc in the set being a copy of Ortolani's score) which finally gives us a wonderfully remastered widescreen copy of the film, looking better than it ever has before. Again, it's not necessarily the complete or definitive version, but it does boast more of Mell (though not necessarily more clothing) and will certainly keep fans of the film happy.

And yes, I have bought a copy (this alternate cut now being released under the title PERVERSION STORY - that's where I took the above picture from, which is why it's rather nicer than VHS).

So now I can bin my possibly shady copy and you don't need to call the police after all.

The VHS marathon concludes tomorrow!

VHS Lives! HUMANOID WOMAN (1981)

The next tape from the pile is HUMANOID WOMAN. This began life as a Russian science fiction film (CHEREZ TERNII K ZVYOZDAM - difficult to say, but cracker of a score at Scrabble) before someone decided it would be nice to re-edit it, dub it into English and release it under the aforementioned new moniker. This is a UK release on the Xtasy label and it's not the first time they've released such cheeky stuff. When some episodes of Japanese PLANET OF THE APES rip-off SARU NO GUNDAN got dubbed and re-edited into the movie-length TIME OF THE APES, it was those good folks at Xtasy who released that one too. If it wasn't stuck at the bottom of a pile of old tapes in a cupboard somewhere, you'd probably have been hearing about it this week.

But back to HUMANOID WOMAN. I found this one for a quid in a charity shop in Kirkcaldy on a day off work - nobody can say I didn't make constructive use of my time. Actually, I think it may have been when I took the day off for last year's Oscars. But anyway, I'm digressing again.

The reasons I bought it? Well for one thing it was an old sci-fi film that I'd never heard of. Secondly, it had a weird looking guy on the cover who looked quite menacing which, combined with the 18 certificate, made it seem quite promising. The third and final reason was that there was no way I could resist a film whose sleeve featured the tagline "ZOMBIE BEAUTY IN SPACE MASSACRE".

As it turns out, it's not as dark as I'd anticipated. In fact, it's really rather silly. Now I'm honest enough to admit that the film is not in its original form and certainly the dubbing alone would make even the greatest film seem a tad sillier. However, when you see things like a household robot that looks like a cross between a robot and a cake (but, for some reason, with the feet of an elephant) you can't help but wonder if the film was ever serious in any language. My doubts were not eased by the sight of someone crashing through a glass wall and leaving their exact outline, cartoon-style, where they passed through it.

But I'm getting ahead of myself; I suspect you'd like to know a bit about the story. Well, it starts off with some astronauts, one of whom has the best beard in history, coming across a space station inhabited by a strange - wait for it - humanoid woman. The discovery is laced with some pretty psychedelic colouring, but I couldn't work out if that was some kind of visual trickery playing tribute to classic Russian sci-fi flick SOLARIS or if it was just that my tape has gone a bit dodgy with age.

Anyway, it turns out that the woman's some kind of advanced being from the planet Dessa. Advanced, but servile. So much so, in fact, that one of the men who meets her declares in all seriousness that since she offers total obedience, she'd be the perfect wife. Ah, they don't make them like this anymore.

So basically there's this humanoid clone thing who is really advanced but takes orders from some evil guy on Dessa. The evil orange-looking guy looks a bit like Richard Harris, or rather what Richard Harris would look like if he was made out of marmalade.

I'd like to tell you more but I hastily scribbled down some notes while watching it ages ago, and now I can't remember what they mean. There's something about a record player, some gas masks and an evil dwarf in a leather jacket. Anyway, this combination of orangey evil men, humanoid women, astronauts, a pint size Fonz and also some mutants who are a bit like those ones from BENEATH THE PLANET OF THE APES all culminates in a fun romp to the post-apocalyptic ruins of Dessa and a totally barmy finale combined with some fantastic metaphorical imagery.

I guess it's probably better if you just go and watch it for yourself. Shouldn't be too hard - that's what eBay's for.

The VHS appreciation marathon continues tomorrow!