Gobsmacking Cinema: THE FIGHTING FISTS OF SHANGHAI JOE (1972)

It's been a while since I dipped into the world of gobsmacking cinema so it's about time I returned there (click on the link to see the previous entries). If nothing else, it'll be a bit of a change from gobsmackingly ill-informed Oscar predictions (although I see the SAG nominations were announced today so that'll probably be back soon).

Since it has been a while, here's a quick refresher. The films I choose to cover here are something special, though not always for the right reasons. They're films that are either so bad, so offensive or so crazy that they can't help but merit the title of gobsmacking cinema. They're the films that just leave you wide-eyed in amazement, unable to believe what you've just witnessed - perhaps they're so bad you can't believe they were ever released on the unsuspecting public; maybe they conform to outmoded stereotypes that our modern politically correct age wouldn't allow; or perhaps they're just so mind-blowingly insane that you can't help but love them, even while you struggle to comprehend what you're watching.

Today I'm returning not just to gobsmacking cinema but also to my beloved spaghetti westerns as I open the vault door and unleash the whacked-out majesty of THE FIGHTING FISTS OF SHANGAI JOE. In many ways, it's a standard spaghetti western - a lone hero wanders into town, falls foul of the bad guys, cleans the place up, the end. However, the hero of this film is a Chinese immigrant played by Chen Lee, an immigrant who happens to be a dab hand at martial arts.

Spaghetti western. Martial arts. This combination alone is enough to afford it a place high in the upper echelons of celluloid brilliance. Two of the coolest genres in the history of cult cinema, in one film. You'd already think it couldn't get any better.

You'd be wrong though, because as much as the combination of spaghetti western and martial arts is a work of genius, it doesn't take into account the superb pseudo-Morricone score by Bruno Nicolai; it doesn't take into account the hilarious stunts involving reversed film and a man jumping through the air screaming a lot; it doesn't take into account the wonder of a typical spaghetti western showdown in a dusty street where the quick-draw gunslingers are replaced with two martial artists.

Nor does it take into account the killer moves, the bloody deaths, the hideous mutilations - or all three, in the case of the mesmerising scene in which Joe performs a flying eyeball-gouging punch.

Or how about the moment where Joe insults a villains sister, only for it to sound unintentionally hilarious as he's dubbed in a well-spoken American accent that makes the phrase "your slut of a sister" sound inappropriate and almost charming.

You know what else would be good? A string of villains played by cult movie favourites like peplum hero Gordon Mitchell or the maddest actor ever, Klaus Kinski, and possibly featuring a cannibal called Pedro. We could maybe throw a killer yo-yo in there too.

Of course we can't forget the dialogue either. It's hard to keep a straight face when you're listening to lines like "You've got seven lives, like a cat" or an exchange such as

"He's one of your race."
"You mean Chinese?"
"I don't know."

This little snippet only hints at the casual racism demonstrated by numerous characters in the film, a racism which is the garnish on a film that was already heading well into the gobsmacking cinema category.

The story has something to do with Mexicans or something, but to be honest it's almost irrelevant.

How about finishing with one last word from our hero before he walks off into the sunset?

"I'd give anything to stay here. If only I could... but my life belongs to the victims of injustice."

What a hero. Joe, I salute you.

MAN-THING (2005)

Just the other day, I sat down to watch the 2005 straight-to-DVD movie MAN-THING. I feel that first of all I should provide some justification for doing this, despite the fact that you're probably not surprised by this at all if you regularly read this blog and see the kinds of drivel I watch.

It's based on a Marvel Comics character created back in the 70s and was one of a glut of muck monsters that emerged back then (the most famous being DC's rival character Swamp Thing). I have a fondness for such characters and although I prefer Swampy to Marvel's creature I still couldn't resist the urge to see the latter turned into a movie, albeit a cheap one. DC already saw Swamp Thing turned into two movies, a cartoon and a TV series and although the TV series wasn't something I care for (the theme tune was the Troggs' "Wild Thing", re-worked with new lyrics!) I really enjoyed the films (despite them being both cheap and rubbish) and I absolutely adored the TV series (despite it being even cheaper and even more rubbish).

So on to Marvel's attempt. Obviously deciding that there was no cinematic movie franchise in Man-Thing, Marvel turned it into a straight-to-DVD venture, not the only character to get the treatment. That said, it's not really much worse than a lot of crap that gets released in cinemas; the only real difference is that the cast is made up entirely of people you've never heard of.

It gets off to a good enough start. Within the first ten minutes, we get a bloody murder, a bunch of rednecks, an attractive young lady doing what attractive young ladies do best in low-budget horror films, a really pompous and portentous voice-over about mankind ruining the planet, and the new sheriff in town turning up to have his assistant reveal that the previous sheriff "kind of went insane before he disappeared". What a set-up.

After that, the film descends into pretty standard by-the-numbers horror nonsense, but the great dialogue doesn't stop. Where would we be without the wise old Native American character to spout forth about the old customs and issue lines like "maybe he is in the swamp... maybe the swamp is in him" - no cliche box is left unticked.

It's not just the wise old Indian, there's also the evil corporation out to exploit the swamp regardless of environmental or social issues. Hurrah. Here's where the nice subtle lighting scheme come in too - not only do we get a spooky green for all the swamp scenes, but the industrial complex is obviously always shot in strong sunlight, the land bleached orange and bereft of light. The dastardly nature of it all is even emphasised by having wrecked old cars sitting on fire outside the place, for no other reason than cars on fire make a place look really nasty. Never mind the fact that there doesn't appear to be any logical reason why someone would leave lots of cars on fire like that.

Other cliches abound, such as the romance that develops (or more accurately, just seems to happen), which can be spotted from the moment the two characters meet. Wow! A hippy protester argues with the new sheriff before kicking him to the ground into a muddy puddle! Gosh, I bet we won't see them getting together by the end of the film.

If the deep and meaningful philosophy (yes, sarcasm) that the Indian treats us to is bad, I should at least applaud the z-list cast for being able to carry off scenes in which they discover that a man killed by a tree had the branches grow through him... from the inside out! Gasp!

I know I wouldn't have been able to deliver that with a straight face so well done to them.

Let's see, is there anything else I can give the film credit for...? Well, I guess the now standard "destroy everything with lots of fire" ending has a nice twist; the monster is actually reasonably well realised with the aid of some CGI, although I do feel that DC Comics were more faithfully treated in their Swamp Thing adaptations when they had Dick Durrock running about in a rubber suit.

There's also a nod for the comic geeks watching the film - I was about to say "comic geeks, like me", but I've just realised... who else is actually going to be watching a straight-to-DVD MAN-THING movie except comic geeks? Anyway, the reference is there, but it's not exactly subtle (like the rest of the film is...) and consists of naming two characters Steve Gerber and Mike Ploog, after the comics writer and artist respectively.

More subtle is the moment when a victim is found with his face contorted and stretched in almost exactly the same way as the infamous melted body in John Carpenter's THE THING. And who was involved in the production of THE THING? That's right, Mike Ploog. However, I suspect that I'm reading too much into that one and it's more of a coincidence. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt though.

The verdict - MAN-THING is cheap, rubbish, cliched and a whole more bad things besides. However, this is my opinion we're talking about here and I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it. If you actually have standards approaching respectability you might want to stay clear.

Oscars 2008: Stupid Predictions (song)

Sorry, I've been busy. I'm now back with another Oscar prediction though, and as always, it's stupid.

For you see, there are a total of 38 films, and I've seen just one of them. As if that wasn't bad enough, those 38 films have produced a total of 59 contenders for nominations. I'm talking of course about the Original Song category.

Another day, another discovery of a press release over on the Oscars website. Of those 38 films, the only one I've seen is the Irish musical romance ONCE, which I've praised more than once (no pun intended) on this blog.

Not only is ONCE the best film I've seen this year - oops, I may just have blown the suspense when I do a countdown of the best films of 2007 at a later date - but I also tipped it in my last blog entry to win in this category. Go on, check back if you don't believe me. I haven't edited it or anything, honest. Well, okay, I referred to it as "an outside bet", but that still counts, I think.

So, as a man who liked playing with shaving foam and mashed potato once said, this means something. It's an omen, surely.

Therefore, I've decided right here, before any nominations are announced, that the Original Song award at next year's Oscar ceremony will go to ONCE. It's got two possibilities of course, but either way it's a result for Glen Hansard, Marketa Irglova and director John Carney. It's really turned into this year's "little film that could".

So which song will win out of the two? No idea, so I'm going to say Falling Slowly, because that's the first one I thought of when I mentioned it the other day. Either would be a deserving win though, and I'm sure they're both better than the other contenders given the mind numbingly anodyne bobbins we're usually treated to at the Oscars. Haven't heard any of them, but I am assuming that at least one song from a kids film such as RATATOUILLE will be nominated because they always are.

But ONCE is the winner.

(Note: further to my previous Oscar chat, the Critics Choice awards have announced their nominations and INTO THE WILD and JUNO get seven and six nominations respectively - given that I've seen neither of them, that definitely increases the stupidity level of my Oscar predictions.)

Oscars 2008: Stupid Predictions (the rest)

In light of my other stupid predictions, I decided I was going to throw out a few guesses for the major categories to finish it (for now at least). Well it just so happens that today I read on the BBC website that award season has kicked off proper with the announcement of the winners of the NBR's big gongs.

The prediction that I was going to make - that three films leading the field would be ATONEMENT, NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN and THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES BY THE COWARD ROBERT FORD - seems to have been backed up by these awards, with NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN scooping the best film award.

Not that I had any basis for knowing that - the film hasn't opened here yet - but all the buzz is that this is the Coen brothers' best film in a long time and that the cast make a remarkable account of themselves too (the award for the ensemble cast also went to the same film).

The decision to award the best foreign film title to THE DIVING BELL AND THE BUTTERFLY tells us nothing really. Not only have I not seen it, it's not been put forward for Oscar shortlisting anyway, so it won't be winning that one. Their top five foreign films also included the ineligible THE BAND'S VISIT and LUST, CAUTION, but at the same time included both 4 MONTHS, 3 WEEKS AND 2 DAYS and THE COUNTERFEITERS, both of which I mentioned in my last blog entry.

The victory of BODY OF WAR seems to give that film an edge in the documentary arena, but I'm pleased to report that NANKING was in the top five (so at least one of my predictions carries some weight), as was the deserving-but-ignored-by-Oscar IN THE SHADOW OF THE MOON.

Two of the best films of the year, ONCE and AWAY FROM HER, featured in the NBR's list of top independent films. I don't see the former appearing in big categories at the Oscars but it might be an outside bet in the song category. AWAY FROM HER, on the other hand, would be good to see in the director category (actress Sarah Polley's directorial debut is superb) but it seems unlikely; it will, however, be nominated in the actress category at the Oscars. I mean it. If not, the world is insane.

You see, way back near the beginning of the year I saw AWAY FROM HER and have been tipping it ever since. Not only is it a great film, it's a great performance in the lead role by Julie Christie as a woman who sees her happy marriage break up when she starts going senile. I am slightly biased because I worship Julie Christie (or The Greatest Actress in the History of the World, to use her full title) but it will still be an outrage if anyone else wins, particularly since it hasn't been a particularly strong year for female leading roles. I think Keira Knightley will get a nod off the back of ATONEMENT's success, but she's no Julie Christie.

There were breakthrough acting awards for JUNO and INTO THE WILD (former hasn't been released here yet; the latter I managed to miss), and Amy Ryan (supporting actress) and Ben Affleck (debut director) got awards for GONE BABY GONE. Sadly I can't comment on this one as, despite great reviews, the UK release has been indefinitely shelved because of similarities to a real-life news story which I'm not going to discuss here. If you've seen a TV or newspaper within the last six months you know what I'm talking about. I would expect all of these films to at least merit nominations at the Oscars.

Other supporting actress nominations could go to the ATONEMENT gang, by which I mean the three actresses that played the same character. Saoirse Ronan's the most deserving but Vanessa Redgrave seems more likely.

The supporting actor award went to Casey Affleck for his brilliant performance in that Jesse James film (the title's too long for me to keep typing it) and, regardless of who else puts in a decent performance this year, he has this one sewn up already. To be honest, I'd be very surprised if a single awards ceremony doesn't honour him. Dead-cert winner.

The best actor award went to George Clooney for the titular role in MICHAEL CLAYTON, another film I managed to miss, but I don't think he'll be collecting the big one in February. He's definitely one of the more likely candidates, but I think he'll have to see off Tommy Lee Jones (for either NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN or IN THE VALLEY OF ELAH, neither of which I've seen, so I'm continuing the stupid prediction theme) or else will find himself up against his friend Brad Pitt who put in one of his best performances in that Jesse James film. Outside bet for a nomination is Emile Hirsch for the aforementioned INTO THE WILD, while it would also be nice to see Gordon Pinsent get a nod for his role opposite Julie Christie in AWAY FROM HER.

Let's see, what have I not mentioned yet... RATATOUILLE picked up best animated feature, not much of a surprise. Adapted screenplay, NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN - no surprise (except maybe ATONEMENT had a shout). Original screenplay? No idea. Despite the nods towards JUNO and LARS AND THE REAL GIRL courtesy of the NBR, I think most of the best films I've seen this year have fallen into the adapted category.

Finally, Tim Burton picked up best director for SWEENEY TODD - not seen it, but can't believe he's getting an Oscar having seen some of the films he's not won it for already. Also, I've not forgiven him for PLANET OF THE APES.

No, the director Oscar will go to either Joe Wright (ATONEMENT) or Andrew Dominik (that Jesse James film). I'd have suggested NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN normally too, but I gather the Oscars don't award co-directed films in this category (if memory serves me correctly).

Whatever happens, only three things matter come Oscar night: it's enjoyable, I make a profit at the bookies and Julie Christie gets another award. Anything less is unacceptable!

(I'd close by saying that normal service will be resumed, but as soon as another awards show comes along I'll probably write again, changing my mind on everything.)

Oscars 2008: Stupid Predictions (foreign)

So back to my stupidly misguided Oscar predictions then. While rummaging around the Oscars press announcements, I found this article from way back in October in which the 63 films that have been put forward for nomination in the foreign language Oscar category are listed. In advance of this list being narrowed down to the lucky few, I may as well get my stupid predictions in early.

And believe me, they are stupid. For you see, of this list of 63 films I have seen a whopping great... two of them. I'd say that makes anything I can predict certainly qualify as being a pretty stupid prediction.

A few of these candidates have played at festivals I attended, but with my usual nose for the films nobody wants to see, I missed them. I heard good things about both XXY and I SERVED THE KING OF ENGLAND when they played at EIFF this year. I also note that a lot of buzz has been centred on 4 MONTHS, 3 WEEKS AND 2 DAYS as well, which has already done very well on the festival circuit and I expect it to be nominated.

It also wouldn't surprise me to see a nomination for Carlos Reygadas's SILENT LIGHT given some of the early press I've read on that one - but I'll check that out shortly as it is due to open at one of my local cinemas shortly.

Another couple that are either on at the moment or else opening soon are THE BAND'S VISIT and Ang Lee's LUST, CAUTION, both of which would seem like very good candidates for the list based on early word of mouth. Not so however, as both films are ineligible due to technicalities. So there.

The two that I have seen? That would be Ireland's KINGS and Austria's THE COUNTERFEITERS. I saw the former in Ireland and the latter at the EIFF and both were excellent - I've provided links to my Freakpit mutterings from both viewings. My heart says KINGS would make a great winner, but my head says I'll be surprised if it even gets nominated. THE COUNTERFEITERS on the other hand is, I reckon, a shoe-in for a nomination and may very well have a good chance of actually winning.

So there you have it, my prediction based on seeing two out of 63 possible nominees. It goes without saying that you probably shouldn't put any money on this based on my opinions.

Finally, following my recent predictions concerning the documentary category, I should add that I saw Michael Moore's SICKO last week and it's very, very good - possibly his best work (out of the ones I've seen at least). Okay, it's Michael Moore, so I'm sure it's not exactly the whole story but it's still powerful and entertaining in equal measure and is definitely in the running in my humble opinion.

Worst TV edit ever?

I love British horror films from the 70s. I love Amicus productions. I love old EC horror comics. It should come as no surprise therefore to find out that I love the films TALES FROM THE CRYPT and VAULT OF HORROR, since they're both horror films made in Britain in the seventies by Amicus and based on the stories appearing in EC's horror comics (which included the two titles mentioned along with HAUNT OF FEAR and various other crime, suspense and sci-fi stuff).

Sadly, although a lot more Amicus stuff has hit DVD of late, these particular films have been under-represented on DVD. Here in the UK, VAULT OF HORROR had one crappy DVD release from Vipco which consisted of a poor quality pan-and-scan transfer that was only marginally better than VHS; TALES FROM THE CRYPT, even more criminally, has never been released anywhere on DVD and so people like me were restricted to taping it from late night TV airings which happened once every couple of years.

Great news then when 20th Century Fox in the USA announced that their Midnite Movies range was releasing a DVD containing both of the above films in spanking new widescreen transfers.

Or so you would have thought.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT isn't so much of a problem - in fact, it's great having this one on DVD in a pristine transfer at last. VAULT OF HORROR on the other hand - ye gods. Crappy though it was, at least the Vipco disc wasn't cut.

When I first heard about the VAULT OF HORROR problem, I'd heard that they'd issued the TV version of the movie, in which one scene at the end of the first story (the movies are portmanteau movies with a linking narrative) has been "darkened" to obscure the sight of - don't read further if you don't want this story spoiled - a character being hung upside down having blood drained from his neck in a vampire equivalent of a wine bar. I have to say, the really dodgy fake teeth worn by the vampires are pretty embarrassing and always have been, but compared to the edit that was made for American TV... oh dear.

"Darkened" doesn't begin to describe it - this might just be the worst edit I've ever seen to any movie - and since I grew up here in the UK, one of the pioneers of over-zealous movie vandalism, that's quite a claim. So I just had to show the picture here.

See if you can spot where the picture has been altered with great subtlety...

Incredible, isn't it?

That's all for today. There wasn't really much point to this except that I just had to share it. I'll be back soon with, oh, I don't know, probably some more misguided Oscar predictions or thoughts on some trashy cult movie, probably.