Oscar gets it wrong again

How could Hollywood get it so wrong? It was all going so well. Sorry, let me start at the beginning...

I've mentioned on here before just how delighted I am that the Academy will be honouring Ennio Morricone at this year's Oscars with a lifetime achievement award. There are few people, if any, who deserve this award more than Morricone. The man is simply the greatest living composer of film music - in fact, to hell with it; I would say he's the greatest composer of film music in the history of movies. I know that's going to upset fans of Steiner, Waxman, Williams, Goldsmith, Herrman, etc. but in my humble opinion it's the truth.

So now imagine the evening goes something like this...

A member of the Academy walks on stage and starts enthusing about Morricone's contributions to film music - his partnerships with Sergio Leone, his five Oscar nominations, etc. - then invites Morricone to collect his award. As Morricone approaches, the presenter insults his family, punches him in the face, knocks him to the ground, stamps on his head, urinates all over him, then steals his wallet and runs away.

Sounds crazy, but if the rumours are true that's exactly how much respect they have for the man and his music.

You see, there's an awful rumour circulating (which has now been mentioned on various major entertainment news sites) that in order to "honour" him or "pay tribute" or something like that, someone has taken one of Morricone's themes from Leone's gangster classic ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMERICA... and written lyrics for it.

Sounds awful already, doesn't it? But sadly, there's more. Who have they apparently got lined up to sing it? Celine Dion.

Yes, that's right, Celine Dion. The woman who is most famous in the movie world for subjecting us all to that sickening mush that made you wish the Titanic had sunk an awful lot sooner and taken her with it. My heart will go on, she sang - just as the pain was to go on for the rest of us, for those of us who with even the slightest hint of respect for music. And she's going to be at the Oscars, hopefully dressed better than that lesbian gangster white tuxedo number she modelled on a previous Oscar night, warbling a load of tosh over the top of a classic piece of music.

What's the story there? Why in the wide, wide world of entertainment did someone think that a woman who resembles a chicken and causes ears to bleed as soon as she opens her mouth would actually be the perfect person for this tribute? And why did they even feel the need to soil Morricone's music in this way to start with?

Paying tribute to the greatness of his music is one thing, but how exactly does one pay tribute by bastardising it and making it sound considerably worse? Do the show organisers not think that people will sit still long enough for music if it doesn't have some wailing banshee shouting pish over the top of it? I've sat through three of Morricone's concerts and loved them, so I think the Oscar audience ought to be able to manage a few minutes of reverent silence.

I genuinely thought that recognising Morricone with a lifetime achievement award showed some real progression from the Academy, and I already expected it to be the highlight of all the shows I've watched (and I believe this will be the 12th consecutive year I've stayed up until the wee hours of the morning watching the show). Now it seems that it will be accompanied by the unrivalled low point. Looks like I can forget about James Cameron's embarrassing TITANIC acceptance speech, or Halle Berry forming a puddle on the floor as she accepted her Best Actress award - this year's Oscars are going to plumb new depths of cringe-worthy horror.

As you might know, I like to have a few bets on the Oscar race just to make it that much more exciting. Tonight I cast my eye over the Best Actress category and noticed that Helen Mirren is so far ahead that she's an astounding 1:33 to win. I think these are probably the same odds I'd give you on me swearing loudly during the Morricone tribute while suppressing the urge to vomit.

Ennio Morricone @ Hammersmith Apollo, London

Friday night, and I arrived at the Hammersmith Apollo in London to discover that despite the tickets stating that Ennio Morricone's show was a 7:30 start with doors opening at 7pm, actually they'd decided it was going to start at 8:15pm.

After wandering around for a few minutes, swearing at a disfunctional cash machine and being stared at by a mad person in Tesco I decided to just go in and check out the venue (I'd held off on accound of their "no readmission" policy but finally gave up waiting).

I figured that if nothing else I could go in and get a drink. Except of course that the switch of arrangements meant that everyone else was there early as well, and they were all thinking the same thing. I'm not surprised either since, with most of the crowd already there, we were packed in so tightly that sardines could mock me without fear of recourse and the foyer of the Apollo had turned into a smoke-filled sweatpit.

It's strange that despite the concert starting forty-five minutes later than planned there were still plenty of people for whom it seemed troublesome to actually get to their seat on time. Equally strange was the high number of people who had to leave for the toilet within a few minutes of the concert beginning. If it was to get a drink, it seems strange that they couldn't have done it earlier or waited for a break; if it was to genuinely get to the toilet then I'm equally mystified as the venue was so hot I'd already sweated so much out of me that I was close to turning into dust.

I know what you're thinking - this is just turning into a massive grumble. Well, not quite, but I've a few more to get off my chest (without even mentioning the £4.50 booking fee - can anyone explain that to me?). Nice as the venue is, it's not as suited to a full orchestra and choir as something like the Albert Hall, or the Royal Concert Hall (Glasgow), or the Usher Hall (Edinburgh), or the National Concert Hall (Dublin), or, well, an awful lot of places really. And it must hold a record for the most toilet stalls with broken locks, ever.

But okay, I'll quit moaning and get on with the show.

Jonathan Ross (he of television fame) popped up on stage rather unexpectedly at the start to talk gushingly of Mr Morricone's achievements before the maestro himself took to the stage to much applause and cheering from the audience.

The concert opened with three pieces from NOVECENTO which, I confess, I know sod all about, except that the music's nice. For the most part, the next suite was also comprised of music from films I'd never heard of or at least never seen (nice though, and some of it familiar) with the exception of the fantastic "Deborah's Theme" from ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMERICA. It's a great film, but Morricone's contribution lifts it to another level and it's great to hear that music performed live by a great orchestra (the Roma Sinfonietta if you're interested).

The next suite was much the same in as much as I don't know most of the films they came from, but again the music was terrific and highlights (I'm familiar with the music if not the sources) were the startlingly impressive renditions of "The Sicilian Clan" and "Come Madalena". You'd recognise the music even if you've not seen the films and the latter marked the evening's first appearance (not literally - she was hidden off stage for this part) of the cracking soprano Susanna Rigacci.

I was of course more than familiar with the next suite, given that it was a medley of pieces from Morricone's work on Sergio Leone's spaghetti westerns. Actually, I say "of course" as if you should be aware of how much I love spaghetti westerns, but actually I think I've only written one blog entry on spaghetti westerns - Blindman to be precise - and two if you include my very brief comments on the Spaghetti Western Orchestra at this year's Edinburgh Fringe. I must rectify that some time.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand. For this suite, Rigacci was brought out onto centre stage (presumably she was held back in the name of showmanship) to a rapturous welcome, although she remained silent for the opener. The audience didn't, however, as everyone in the auditorium instantly recognised the theme from THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY (rearranged for concert performance but still remarkably faithful). There's just something about watching a 100-member chorus (the marvellous Crouch End Festival Choir) get ready for this theme tune that just makes your hair stand on end.

Rigacci got her chance to shine though as this gave way to the theme from ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST, quite possibly the most beautiful piece of music ever written, which in turn segued into the theme from FISTFUL OF DYNAMITE, quite possible the second most beautiful piece of music ever written. And before the talented soprano left the stage (once more to incredible enthusiasm from the audience), we were treated to "The Ecstasy of Gold" from THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY. In case you don't know, that's the bit at the end where Eli Wallach bolts it round a graveyard in search of the gold. It's also the tune that everyone left the Apollo singing.

We were then treated to themes from CASUALTIES OF WAR (don't know that one, but it's good) and SACCO AND VANZETTI (not seen the film but was familiar with the music - again, nice).

The final suite was a collection of themes from THE MISSION - starting with "Gabriel's Oboe", which really showcased the talents of Carlo Romano of the Sinfonietta, and ended with "In Earth as in Heaven", which is another one that you are guaranteed to know even if you've never seen the film.

By way of an encore (or rather three encores) we were treated to a reprise of "The Ecstasy of Gold" and CASUALTIES OF WAR, and a theme from QUIEMADA, which again I'm not familiar with but it's a stunning piece of music.

That was it - everyone loved it and everyone left with "The Ecstasy of Gold" stuck in their head. I've never heard quite so many bad soprano impressions in one place as I did while standing in Hammersmith tube station on Friday night.

And to give you an indication of just how enthusiastic I am about Mr Morricone's music, I had also booked a ticket for the only other date, on Saturday night.

So I got to the Apollo on Saturday night (a bit later - I'd learned my lesson) for more of the same. The only real differences were that firstly we didn't get Jonathan Ross and secondly that I had a drunken man approach me beforehand outside the entrance, who tried to explain to me that Morricone actually played for Manchester United. I didn't get it, but he thought it was funny.

He did actually have a long dark coat and an unshaven look but rather than deliberately looking like he'd walked out of a spaghetti western, I think it was just because he was a wino. Imagine Django as an unemployed Londoner and you've got the picture. I was as amazed as anyone when he turned up inside the gig later on - and then, on the way out, decided to tell everyone he was a cowboy. I must give him credit though, he did do a really good American accent.

Incidentally, there were actually a few people dressed as cowboys and Mexicans at the Saturday night gig, so I salute their efforts. The same can't be said for the would-be singers though, as once again I found myself making my way home quickly to avoid not just scary tramps but also really bad soprano impressions. Still, you have to love the enthusiasm - that's Morricone's music for you.

In case you're wondering, I did actually make it to some films while I was in London - which you expected, I'm sure - but as this as gone on long enough I'll save those thoughts for another day. Right now I'm off to practice my soprano singing.